


The Way I Know How to Love

by alison



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Christmas, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 11:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/722875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alison/pseuds/alison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis has plans to spend the night of his birthday and Christmas morning with Nick, but Louis lets something slip and Nick doesn’t respond the way Louis would hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Way I Know How to Love

Louis was sitting in bed long before sunrise. He had slept lightly and finally pulled himself up around five in the morning to watch the fresh snowflakes drift from the sky. He thought back to this day years ago, when he awoke early in an excited frenzy, greedily awaiting the gifts he was about to receive. He didn’t know when it had happened, but at some point he had done the impossible.

He had grown up.

He refocused his attention on the scene outside his window. There were twinkling Christmas lights in the distance, creating a warm glow over the scenery. Louis tucked his legs up, resting his chin on his knees as he repeatedly tried to follow a single snowflake’s path to the ground. It was something he’d always done, to see how long he could keep his eyes on one individual flake. This morning, the activity just gave him an excuse not to think about other things. Soon, though, his head began to hurt and he gave up.

As he looked out his window, he became mesmerized. The snow was falling a bit heavier now and it blurred the view, streaks of white clouding the sky. He got out of bed and went to his closet. Without actually thinking, he began putting on his most winter friendly clothing. He put ski pants on over his pajamas and layered a sweater over a t-shirt, then topped it off with a winter coat.

He padded downstairs quietly and found gloves and a hat, then pulled on the snow boots that had been previously kicked off near the door, tucking his wool socks into his pants. He opened the front door and stepped out into the winter wonderland.

He had no plan, nothing to do. He just wanted to be part of the snowy landscape, to paint himself into the classic holiday picture. He wanted to feel like he was part of it, like he belonged in it.

The cold bit at his nose as he stood in front of his house, looking up at the sky. It didn’t feel the same as it did when he was younger. He didn’t feel the need to make snowballs or stamp snow angels into the blank white canvas beneath him. He just stood, feeling the flakes tickle his cheeks as they fell, melting into his skin.

He remembered saying that he was afraid of growing up. Terrified of it. But he found that, the older he got, the more he welcomed it. He liked feeling more mature. He would always be a joker, always a bit ridiculous, but he felt like everything was slowing down and he thought fondly of settling down into a more simple, more relaxed life.

Twenty-two. He liked the repetitiveness of the number. He had only had a day to get used to it, but he already felt comfortable with it. He felt like it suited him. His thoughts carried him back to the day before, to his birthday. The birthday that didn’t go quite as planned.

-

After he had a nice birthday lunch with a bunch of friends and family and spent the afternoon chatting with his mom and sisters, Nick came over with take out. They watched a movie and ate dinner. Nick gave him his present, a fancy juicer, the exact one Louis had pointed out to him a couple of weeks earlier when he stated that he thought it would be nice to have a juicer.

Louis had climbed up into Nick’s lap and held him close, dropping light kisses to his lips as he continued to thank him. Not just for the juicer, but for everything. Nick had explained that he knew the gift was crap and complained about how hard it was to buy Louis presents. Luckily, they had decided to forgo Christmas presents, choosing instead to buy some toys together to donate to a local charity.

Louis had assured him that he really did love the gift and would use it in the morning to make them Christmas morning juice. Nick then made a disgusting joke and Louis rolled his eyes, unable to believe that he was actually the younger between them.

Nick had wrapped his arms around Louis’ slender waist, pulling him in tightly, burying his face in Louis’ neck, breathing him in. Louis melted into his boyfriend, feeling warm all over. When the words slipped out of his mouth, Louis barely even noticed until he felt Nick’s body go rigid.

The silence stretched on. First, Louis had felt embarrassed, but hurt and anger were slowly added to the emotions swirling around inside him. He had always been careful about these things with Nick, knowing how he was and not wanting to scare him. But, in that moment, there was no keeping the words in anymore. The jig was up. No more holding back.

Nick finally broke the awkward silence by thanking Louis, but explained that he couldn’t say that. He said some bullshit about the institution of love and the fictional idea of falling in love. He said it was more meaningful to him to say he liked Louis or cared about him instead of using the word “love”.

Louis had listened to all of this, feeling like they were just excuses. Like he could explain away his refusal to tell Louis he loved him. Louis climbed off of Nick’s lap and sat at the far end of the couch, trying to think as Nick stumbled over his words, incoherently trying to explain himself. Louis had heard enough.

“If you don’t love me now, you won’t ever love me,” he had mumbled, partly to himself and partly to Nick as he stared blankly at the opposite wall.

Nick once again tried to explain that his problem was with the word, the idea of love.

Louis stared at Nick, feeling himself falling away from him.

“Well, I need a boyfriend who can love me.”

Louis walked to the front door and opened it, waiting for Nick to leave. Nick tried to argue, told Louis they should talk about it more because it was his birthday and tomorrow was Christmas and he didn’t want to do this now.

Louis told Nick he just wanted to be alone, to think for a while.

Nick finally left, casting one last desperate glance over his shoulder as the door shut behind him.

-

Louis shook his head of the memory of the previous night’s events. He took slow steps across the snow, the crunching beneath his feet sounding deafening in the muted morning air. As he let the sound fill his ears, he wondered if Nick would show up this morning. He kicked at the fluffy top layer of snow and watched it scatter, a light breeze carrying it a bit before it fell back to the ground, blending into the whiteness.

After an hour, he was still standing outside, still taking in his surroundings. His nose was red and numb, his cheeks were bright pink, and he was shivering under his layers, but he couldn’t drag himself inside. When he realized why that was, he felt a wave of shame roll through him, but he didn’t retreat. He stood, waiting. Waiting for his boyfriend to come, to spend Christmas morning with him.

He felt lonely standing there in the cold emptiness of predawn. Harry had gone home the previous morning. Louis wasn’t going home until the afternoon. He and Nick had planned on waking up together and watching cheesy Christmas movies all morning. Now, Louis thought to himself, he was going to be completely alone on Christmas morning. The idea made him feel even colder than he already was.

Just as Louis thought he should get inside, he saw a familiar car pull into his driveway. At first, he thought maybe he had started hallucinating from the cold. But as Nick hopped out of his car, Louis knew it was the real thing. He had shown up.

When he spotted Louis standing there, he broke into a jog, reaching him in seconds.

“What are you doing out here, Lou?” He took in the red nose and touched the back of his hand to one of Louis’ bright pink cheeks. “Jesus, you feel like ice.”

His eyes looked panicked as he dragged Louis toward the front door. Inside, he sat Louis down on the couch and, as quickly as possible, began taking off his shoes, followed by all of his winter gear. When Louis was left in just his pajamas, Nick wrapped a nearby blanket tightly around him and silently went to put a kettle on.

Louis waited a few minutes as the shivering subsided, his skin still tingling with numbness all over. He pulled the blanket up over his nose, wondering if he would ever be completely warm again. As he looked up to see Nick enter into the room, he hoped he would.

Nick handed Louis a cup of hot tea and sat beside him, his body turned toward Louis. Louis sipped the liquid, feeling it slice through the cold. They sat in silence for several minutes as Louis drank the tea and Nick tried not to stare. Finally, Nick spoke, his voice soft and cautious.

“I wanted to get here before you woke up so you wouldn’t have to wake up alone.”

Louis shrugged, afraid to speak. He didn’t want Nick to know that he had slept horribly, constantly reaching his arm out, seeking the warmth of his boyfriend, only to find the other half of the bed cold and empty.

“What were you doing out there?” Nick asked, concerned.

Louis shrugged again. He looked down at his tea, unsure of what to do or say. He was glad Nick was here, but he didn’t know where they stood. He hoped Nick was going to try to fix what he had broken instead of pretending it never happened.

Nick moved closer, wrapping an arm around him. He rested his chin on Louis’ shoulder.

“I missed you last night,” he said softly.

“Hand isn’t quite as satisfying, is it?” Louis asked, drawing him out.

He looked down to see Nick cringe, his eyes sad. It was a look Louis almost never saw on Nick. Sadness. It made Louis’ throat constrict.

“Babe, please don’t say shit like that. You make me happy. Not sex with you. Just you,” Nick emphasized the last part by laying his hand across Louis’ chest where the blanket had slipped down.

Louis didn’t look into Nick’s eyes, not wanting to let him get away with everything from last night just because he couldn’t stand to see Nick hurting.

“Not happy enough to love me,” Louis said, his voice so low it almost came out as a whisper.

He still didn’t look, couldn’t look into Nick’s eyes, but he saw him take something out of his pocket. A piece of paper with his own handwriting messily scrawled over it. As he unfolded it, he spoke unsurely.

“You know how I’m a complete twat sometimes, right? I’m not always the best communicator. Sometimes I don’t explain things properly and everything goes to shit. So, I kind of wrote this out in hopes that I could explain more clearly what I was on about last night.” Nick hesitated, eyes drifting down to the paper. “Here goes,” he mumbled before reading from the paper.

“I hate the idea of love that is portrayed in the media. That fairytale romance kind of love. I hate that people think that there’s a moment when you suddenly realize you’re in love. I think it’s a myth, that kind of love.

I believe in loving people because they’re good people. I don’t believe friendly love and romantic love are two different things. I think there’s only one kind of love, and it’s just a deep fondness for a person. Or even a thing or a place or an idea.

So, when I told you I wouldn’t tell you I love you, what I meant is that I wouldn’t do the whole “I’ve officially fallen in love with you now” thing. Because I don’t believe in that.

If we’re talking about the kind of love I believe in, then I’ve loved you for months now. I love being with you more than anyone else. I love the way your skin feels under my hands. I love your laugh. I love that you’re so unafraid to try new things. I love who you are.

So, I will tell you I love you every day if that’s what you want. I just need you to know that it’s not something that suddenly developed and it’s not something that took me months to feel. I have loved you all along, the way I know how to love.

I hope that’s enough for you, because honestly, the thought of not being with you is pretty fucking unbearable. It’s pathetic how afraid I am of losing you right now. So, yeah. Hopefully that won’t happen.”

Nick finished reading and bit his lip as he folded the paper back up. He had started blushing at the end, clearly uncomfortable with admitting his fear.

“Well, that certainly explains it better, yeah,” Louis said, trying not to let his eyes light up and trying not to smile. “But I still have a question.”

Nick finally let himself meet Louis’ gaze and nodded. Louis thought for a moment, then spoke carefully.

“What’s the difference between the love you feel for, say, Harry and the love you feel for me? You claim they’re the same.”

Nick exhaled heavily as he formed his response. He dug his fingernails into the back of his left hand, thinking.

“With you, the feeling is-” he stopped himself for a moment, swallowing. “It’s so strong it can be suffocating. It’s too much and never enough at the same time.”

Louis stared into Nick’s eyes and felt his body start to become warm from the inside out. Nick was not a terribly romantic man. He was not one to talk about his feelings. But the fact that he was being so open and honest about this made Louis realize that, even if he didn’t always say things the right way and even if Louis didn’t agree with him on the idea of love, what they felt for each other was the same. Nick may try to call it something else, but it was the same.

He pushed the blanket down to his waist and leaned into Nick, wrapping his arms around him. He could feel Nick release a sigh of relief and wrapped his own arms around Louis.

“I’m sorry,” Louis said quietly.

Nick squeezed him and Louis could tell he was frowning down at him even though Louis had his cheek resting on Nick’s chest.

“Sorry? For what? I was the one who fucked up.”

“Not really,” Louis said into Nick’s chest. He shook his head, bringing his hand up to his forehead. “Oh god, I’m such an arse. I made you leave. All because you’re a pretentious twat who can’t just say ‘I love you’. Of course you can’t say ‘I love you’. You’re Nick Grimshaw. What did I expect?”

Nick pulled Louis off his chest so he could look into his eyes.

“Wait. Are you still mad? Or am I forgiven for being a pretentious twat?”

“After that speech? Forgiven,” Louis said, finally letting himself smile. “Besides, you’re completely in love with me. Like, the fairytale romance kind of love. Even if you won’t say it, I know you are.”

Nick smiled, a small laugh escaping his lips. He turned into Louis further, nuzzling his neck and placing a kiss there.

“If there’s anyone out there who could make this cold-hearted man fall in love, it’s you,” he said, moving up to kiss Louis’ lips lightly.

Louis grinned widely. He could feel the last traces of cold and numb leave his body, feeling warm from his fingertips to his toes.

“Merry Christmas, Nick.”

Nick smiled and kissed Louis again, letting his lips rest against Louis’ for a moment before pulling back and looking into Louis’ eyes.

“Merry Christmas, Love.”

It was their first Christmas together. As Nick put in a DVD of Louis’ favorite Christmas movie, Louis thought with a smile, it probably wouldn’t be their last.


End file.
